Letting go of her

Bear with me. Tonight's post is an emotional one.


I put Rainbow to her cot and she just self settled and fell asleep on her own. I am missing her so much already and I can't wait to see her tomorrow morning.

Every night when we are lying on the bed side by side, her tiny mouth latches on my boob, her tiny hands grabbing my hand so hard and doesn't want to let go. I would think of how great our day has been. As she learns new things each day, more excitement and anticipation I feel about her next new skills that she will surprise us.

I used to rock/babywear her to sleep for naps and nurse her to sleep for nighttime. On Tuesday, she decided to sleep on her own, without my help. Just like that. Without any warning. As usual, I rocked her but she was crying and screaming and arching back so much. I did not know what else to do but to try putting her in her cot (I have made sure she has clean diaper and full stomach). I pat her but she continued crying. I decided to walk away but still in the same room. To my surprise, after just 10 minutes of on and off crying, she self settled and fell asleep! Since then, she has been able to fall asleep on her own without my help. Initially, me and Tubby was thinking to sleep train her after 6 months but looks like that was the unexpected sleep training. Of course, we did pray for her sleeps and God has been good to us.

She was so ready and she didn't give us any hard time. She didn't have any hard time herself. She's such an amazing learner. I am glad that she was so ready but I wasn't ready. I am not ready to let go of her. Yes, at certain point of time, I get tired but I love seeing her dozing off in my arms. I really miss rocking/babywear her. Such a mixed feeling.

When she first got here, it took me awhile until I was bonded to her and enjoy her because of the difficulties in the start of breastfeeding and not knowing how to handle a newborn etc. She just make our days brighter. Waking up, seeing her giving us the biggest smile is the best gift ever. She's so cute. How can she be all ours. She's my firstborn and the one who truly made me a mother. It made me thinking that for the 9 months carrying her, she was in me and we were never never apart. Even now I realise, we will never be apart because she will always be a part of me.

As each day goes, I feel more love for her but at the same time, I feel more emotional, thinking that she will slowly needing me less. It's a bit of bittersweet feeling because I know that she will grow up. That made me thinking, at certain point of time, I have to let go of her (I have to learn) and let her learn on her own. That's part of growing up. I'm really cherishing this time and as she grows older, I know that she will become more and more independent and probably need me less. So, I'm cherishing these days so much.

Where did our infant go? The one who moves in slow motion, the one who sleeps almost all day all night, the one who gets startled very easily, the one who takes at least half an hour to finish one boob and need to be fed at every 2 hours, the one who screams at the highest pitch, the one who wears the cute NB diapers, the one who cries at almost all the baths, the one who still has floppy neck. The one who struggles at all tummy time. The one who needs me to guide for all latching. We miss you! 



No matter how old you get, Rainbow, you will always be my baby, my firstborn.