As a new mum in the first month

Long overdue post.

The first month with Rainbow were full of ups and downs really even though many said that confinement was like honeymoon. I personally do not think so. It was intense and I am glad that it was over and I remember it as blur. Good thing, I wrote some of my thoughts down and my notes have given me some clearer picture of what those days and nights were like.

Day one being home after delivery. It felt weird to be a mother, a parent and responsible for this tiny, floppy necked human being. After putting her down in her cot for the first time, the first thing I did was taking a nice hot shower in my own bathroom. It was not easy. I hate the water hitting my sore and engorged breasts. Shower no longer was a quick affair. I was in the bathroom for at least 45 mins from showering very gently, wiping myself dry very gently, cleaning the stitches down there, applying coconut oil on the nipples to wearing clothes. Then, I continued my new role as mom: breastfeeding her. This is not an easy job as it sounds. I always thought that breastfeeding is very easy since it's so natural. It should work by mother and child's instinct, but nope. I was wrong, so wrong. In the beginning, it hurts. It hurts lots! Rainbow is very natural but I was not. I tensed up when she opened her mouth and quickly shoved my nipple in before she could clamp down correctly. It was nerve-wracking then.

Day two was the same. Rainbow had her first bath at home.

I wasn't that exhausted yet because she was still sleeping most of the time. I would wake her up every two hours for feeding but she fell back asleep right after. Then, I also stole some sleep when she was sleeping. She could still sleep in her own cot.

Day three morning, I walked to tubby's room and cried, for no reason. I guess the emotional part of me started kicking in because of the hormone. I couldn't control myself. Old people usually said do not cry during confinement but I don't care. To me, crying is good. Crying let me released the tension and helped me destressed. I think if I controlled my tears and bottled up my emotions then I would end up getting depression even easier. I thank God for hubby who let me cry. Then, I continued my day three by feeding rainbow every two-hourly. Exhaustion started kicking in because of the two-hourly feeds. She would feed for at least half an hour per boob (so, that's an hour gone) and I had to feed her AGAIN after an hour or she could demand for another feed earlier. We took rainbow to the paediatrician to weigh her and measure her jaundice level. She did not increase her weight much to the desired number. She still had jaundice but at a safe level. She had not poop since day 1 of birth. So, I cried again because I was worried. As long as she didn't pass out meconium, she would have jaundice. I felt I wasn't doing well enough as a mother. We went to see the lactation consultant as well for advice because my nipples were so pain I dreaded every feed :(. She gave me some good advices and tubby bought breast pump for me to pump out milk for time being to increase my supply as well as give my boobies some rest from the latching.

.
.
.
.

Day eight, she pooped! Black poo! We were so happy we wanted to celebrate! When things seem better, she started having difficulty falling asleep while we put her down in her cot. She would fall asleep after feeding but when we put her down she would wake up. So, confinement aunty had to carry her to sleep. Really grateful to have her. At least I could catch up some sleep. Only some sleep. I got really exhausted because after each feeding, I had to pump out the milk to clear my boobs to increase supply. Each pumping session took half an hour.

Week two, we started our routine by waking her up every 8am to start our day. First thing was bringing her to the balcony to catch some sunlight. This helps her body to differentiate day and night, adjust her circadian rhythms. Then, shower, change, feed, burp, tummy time, nap, wake up, feed, burp, tummy time, nap and repeat. She was still not at the desired weight. I got so emotional and cried again. I felt I wasn't worth being her mama. Yeah, those thoughts just kept bugging me. Since I was breastfeeding her exclusively, we did not know how much actually she was taking. Plus, I had cracked nipples with milk blebs which blocked some of the milk ducts and thus, she couldn't get full milk. So, after some calculations, lactation consultant gave me a guideline. All her feeds were expressed breastmilk fed by confinement aunty and tubby and each feed she must have 2 ounces at least. I got really exhausted because of all the pumping sessions. Apart from that, I had to take care of the blebs on my nipples which took some time too and it hurts so bad I cried each time! I don't even want to remember that!

Her umbilical cord stump fell off! I kept it and framed it.

Week three, we saw progress. She got the desired weight! Again, our happiness were indescribable! Praise the Lord for all the hardwork. When one problem solved, another arises. After a week of without direct latching, she had forgotten how to latch correctly! Because of the wrong latch, I got milk blebs again. Since she had gained her weight, I started guiding her back to direct latching. Thank God my girl learnt fast and she could latch correctly again after few sessions. You know how powerful baby's suction is? She managed to help me cleared all the blocked ducts. Now, she could get out the whole breastmilk. I had never seen her so contented and in milk coma before that.

Week four was a bliss and a smooth-sailing one. No more weight issue, no more black poo but yellow mustard poo, no more jaundice, no more milk blebs, no more blocked ducts, she could self-latch already and I no longer dreaded every feeds but loving it! even though the exhaustion was still there. My body kind of adjusted back to pre-pregnancy condition.

Now that the confinement ended, confinement aunty went home. Left the three of us. First few days and nights were a mess. Though I will find myself saying this many times, it seems like we're finally getting the hang of taking care of this newborn on our own. Tubby and I are feeling more confident about being parents. We can give ourselves a few pats on our shoulders. Of course at some point of her life, she will go through growth spurts, mental leaps or wonder weeks which will or might cause some chaos but we will help her and go through all together. We as her parents sometimes need to put ourselves in her shoes. She's still experiencing new things and we have to be patient to guide her through every milestones.

Though it has been exhausting and sometimes upsetting, I would not call this first month or the next few months horrible. Even when I feel tired from the lack of sleep or upset when rainbow cries or fuss, all I have to do is look at her and feel that unbelievable love and it somehow worth every minute. She will be young and small just for this short while. We give thanks to God for this creation.